"Hey, the door is wide open!" she said
To her lover next to her in bed.
"If my husband discovers
You under my covers,
He'll detach your neck from your head."
There once was a man named Raheem
Who had all his traits more than it seemed.
He was dumber, and meaner,
And more of a wiener
Than his comrades would have esteemed.
A black-jacket ruffian named Scottie
Referred to the toilet as "potty"
I think we all did
The same thing, as a kid,
But to grow up by now, I think ought ¥e.
A man named Raoul from Brazil
Took a long-lasting ecstasy pill.
He told all his confessions,
Gave away his possessions,
And they say that he feels that way still.
A woman who liked to ride bikes
Hit a dog on the road and yelled, "Yikes!"
She then gave it a bone,
Picked it up, took it home,
And then tortured its butthole with spikes.
The freewheeling playboy from Denver
Had a fetish for cars being dismembered.
So before he would hump her
She'd don a rear bumper,
And then shouting "Vroom! Vroom!" he'd back-end her.
Oh the young girls in Woodward tonight
I think wouldn't be sleeping so tight,
If any of them knew
All the things I could do
With a girl, and a hose, and a light.
(I could sure as hell make the sun shile where it hasn't before, but I think a halogen light would be the best way to do that. Unfortunately, the meter does not allow for elaboration in the nature of the luminary device involved.)
For me limerick writing is easy,
The lines flow out lucid and breezy.
But I must stay alert,
And attempt to avert
Any words that might sound sorta' cheezy.
A Chicagoan Student named Guy
Sprouted wings, and then learned how to fly.
He exerted this power
Far above the Sears Tower,
'Til he fell, thus impaling his eye.
It's now nearing time that I started
Off to class for a French test....reeeeeaaal hard!!
These French 1 tests are cheezy...
They're totally easy...
What do they think, we're retarded?
The lecherous baboon named Lloyd
Is a menace and should be destroyed.
If I'd yanked out my knife
And then ended Lloyd's life,
It would have been a moment enjoyed.
My Pschitt soda can sit here in front-a-me,
When I first see da brand name it stun-a-me.
And without second glance,
Sent the can home from France,
And this just might have hurt our ecunomy.
Said a chinaman speaking in pigeon,
"Me know much about Clistian Lerigion.
It seem vely oplessive,
As werr as obsessive,
And Bible is litten by Gideon.
My cooking ability, my love,
Is at a level which yours is above.
BUT...I'm sure with your help,
Dinner won't taste like kelp,
And to touch it won't require gloves.
Three darling young puppies are strangled,
De-clawed, gutted, slashed up and mangled.
While their meat slowly cooks,
From the ceiling on hooks
Their intestinal entrails are dangled.
"Well, no wonder your side hurts, you dummy,"
Said the doctor, "You've holes in your tummy!
"The gunpowder has fused
With the blood you have losed,
And the bullet holes now are all scummy."
That poor unctious popinjay, Dave
Is a weenie, a card, and a knave.
And his idea of fun
Involves girls ten years young,
So the state keeps him locked in a cave.
Haljarbandelinefrophlabkaceous
Prig neolphintine sprechers entaeshus
Gabreltynigraworn
Itch conrasclabtroforn
But the stains that it leaves are hellaceous.
At rush hour, a man in Manhattan
Thought he'd teach the log-jammed drivers Latin.
He stood in the street
And said, "Now, please repeat:
'Hic, haec, hoc; hic haec...'" Then he was flattened.
(By a truck whose driver knew nothing of higher education)
"I agree that it's good that you socked her,
And that then in the pantry you locked her.
For the food there will hold
'Til she's back in control,
And if not, then she dies," said the doctor.
The baloney man, hawking his wares,
Drowned out other folks trying to sell theirs.
All together they got
To discuss a boycott,
But instead beat him senseless with chairs.
Said the ugly man living in Trenton,
"It is only right that I should mention,
Beauty's only skin deep...
plus, a my paycheck's too cheap
For a facelift, my long-held intention."
A typically crazed T.V. minister
Shot a gun at a nun trying to finish her.
But from then on 'twas fettered
By wearing a letter
Bright red on his chest: S for Sinister.
A typically crazed T.V. minister
Shot a gun at a nun trying to finish her.
Tossing her one hour later
In a pit full of 'gators,
And to show his repentance jumped in with her.
"The opening's filled,' said the boss
In a tone of voice tired and cross.
"Our employee so new
Is much more skilled then you,
So your lateness has caused me no loss."
The unthinking man from Seattle
Killed his horse, skinned it, and made a saddle.
But to obtain the hide,
He had destroyed his ride,
So he oft rode around on some cattle.
Jenny, Tim, Laurie, and me
Filled and kept uncapped four jars of pee.
But the jars held such stink
That we four had to drink
the jars, which made us quite unhappy.
So important her nose tip to her,
That its highlighting she does deter.
"But highlighting pronounces,"
To her he announces,
"So your nose would look importanter!"
The relish that this hotdog sports
Looks like piles of green, moist, severed warts.
And this catsup-esque crud
Quite reminds me of blood.
People who like this also like sports.
Writing limericks can be quite tricky,
If your standards are fickle and picky.
For the metrical time
And the scheme of the rhyme
Are sometimes a real bitch to make match up.
As finals week quickly approaches,
All my work on my time quite encroaches.
It all seems sort of dumb,
Because After the bomb,
There won't be school at all, only roaches.
The nymphomaniacal hooker
Thought a passerby was quite a looker.
She offered her service,
But that made him nervous:
He ran to a cop and said, "book her!"
When sunlight is packaged as powder,
And the din of the silence grows louder,
I shall that day confine
My diet to wine,
With occasional treats of squid chowder.
There once was a man from Malaysia
who travelled to Thailand occasia-
Nally. Often enough,
That he brought back some stuff.
And he now says, "drug dealing sure pays ya'."
All the thin hungry folks in Sudan
Eat as often and much as they can.
O my heart is so rent
That this morning I sent
Them some cigarettes, whiskey, and spam.
Oh, that Sweet Valley HighÅ were not fiction!
For 'twould be an experience enrichen'
To take one of those teens
From her home-secure scene,
And then flay her beyond recognition.
Oh, the worst type of weather I know
Is that white fluffy hell known as snow.
I have hated November
Since I can remember,
For it's then that the cold breezes blow.
If humans had never evolved,
A number of things would be solved.
It's because we are here
That our whole ecosphere
In the Earth's swift demise is involved.
If mankind had not been created,
All other beasts would be elated.
Because our subsistence
Curtails their existence,
We've killed them faster than they have mated.
Why so many people like history
Will to me always be a deep mystery.
For the books which are storing
It's knowledge are boring,
And to memory it's always resistory.
Why so many people like history
Will to me always be a deep mystery.
Turning thousands of pages
Describing the ages,
My hands and my mind end up blistery.
I'm glad I was not born a cow,
But Alas! I am quite unsure how
To thank mother nature
For the nomenclature
By which we are called human now.
Much religion is so tied to music
Like gospel-esque tunes, or soul blues-ic.
And if Black Satanism
Would count as religion,
Then thus bands like Black Sabbath use it.
There once was a man from Kabul
Who could not afford a swimming pool.
So he went to a show
At the Porn-a-Go-Go,
Where he waded hip-deep in his drool.